When I got pregnant with Aiden seeing Levi’s eyes fill with tears and happiness melted my heart. I knew I was in love with this  man from the beginning but this definitely made me fall in love deeper and harder with him. I had morning sickness everyday for 24 weeks. It should sometimes just be called ALL DAY sickness because I could barely eat a thing, red meat was a big no as for several other things. Levi made that I ate and that I had whatever I wanted at that moment. AMAZING!

At 20 weeks we found out about Aidens heart condition. They had put me in a tiny room where I was shaking, tears rolling down my face and the only one I had was Levi. At that moment I didn’t want him to touch me, console me or even talk to me in anyway. A lot of men at that point would have thrown their hands up in the air and said I am done I am out of here. If she is pushing me away now I can just imagine with the months ahead are going to be like if we don’t do something about this soon. Not Levi, he was on the phone the moment we got home and got us into Children’s. I finally had let him in and he held me, loved on me and told me no matter what happens I will love you and Aiden and will give every last bit of me to make sure of it. Never once has he faltered from this promise.

Once the ECHO was done and all was confirmed that Aiden was going to be a heart baby my sweet dear husband just sat in the room this time shaking and crying. He was always the question asker but in this moment Momma needed to stand up hold strong and get him through. I asked all the questions I could think of and got the best answers the cardiologist could give at that time. Once it had sunk in Levi came home and his research began. The wonderful woman he met (yes it is wierd to say he was talking to other woman but they were supportive, knowledgeable, and huge supporters of us keeping Aiden) had made a huge difference to many things and making him a  strong heart warrior. AMAZING!

For months that followed he did anything and everything to find answers. He warded off the “you should terminated people” for me and loved me and held me in my moments of weakness. I was able to eat again and he would run out to get everything I needed while sometimes working 24 to 48 hour stretches. He wouldn’t let me drive because my growing baby made my belly touch the steering wheel and of course he didn’t want me or Aiden to get hurt in anyway. When week 29 came and I found out I had GD he would make sure he cooked me meals (which up until this he had never done or even attempted because he thought he couldn’t cook), found the appropriate carb count things and made sure I ate as much as I could to keep Aiden growing without also making him to big and toughening up his arteries which sometimes happens. He made sure my meds were taken and that I could feel as great as I could given the circumstances. AMAZING.

He went to every ECHO, level 2, and stress test. He would sit there and watch carefully and ask questions when needed. The day we were told we are going to get this done he ran home to get all the things we forgotten. He made it back in record time. He stayed awake as much as possible to make sure things were being done right. When things weren’t he was the first one to speak to the nurses. He would go out to the nurses station to get nurses when I needed them and they weren’t coming in fast enough. He also went and bought me flowers and Aiden a onsie from the hospital and things to decorate the room with “It’s a boy” everywhere. He was the first one to hold our little angel and first one to hold his little hand. He is the one who went to Children’s with him and rode in the ambulance on the way over across the street. AMAZING.

Every test they performed he would text me with info. He kept me up to date as he knew not being over at Children’s with them was killing me. He held me the first time I walked in and saw the wires and the tube down Aidens throat as I bawled the first time I saw all of it. Levi would sit and oogle over both of us while I held him. Levi was scared to hold him but I finally talked him into it and the tears flew for him and at that moment I was the strong one for him. It is amazing how love lets one person cry and the other be the strong one in moments. When they gave us our 3 options 1) take him home and let him pass there 2) heart transplant and 3) surgery to try and repair things it was a hard decision. Levi and I discussed everything and came up with the order of how we would try things. The heart transplant team said no and we just cried and held eachother and said OK so this isn’t what God wants. So surgery it was. Levi stayed up nights and days to call every doctor and research every possibility to make sure we made the right decision. We know we did. Levi kept me laughing and feeling optomistic the hole day of Aidens surgery. Aiden had made it off ECMO and was doing well so we thought. When we got the call from Childrens it was and emergency get back here (we were grabbing dinner and it was nurse change) we rushed in running holding eachothers hands. We walked in and said his heart stopped. Levi grabbed me as I slipped to the floor screaming. He held me put me in a chair made sure I was OK and ran in to check on Aiden. Levi knew he was gone. I had to see with my own eyes to know he was gone (oh how I wish I would have taken Levi’s warning he was and believed him) worst memory ever in my head. Once I held Aiden and went to the car to go home without my baby and knowing I wouldn’t see him again until his funeral was hard. At that moment though momma came in me again and held Levi up until that 3rd day and then once again he held me as I cried and cried and cried.  AMAZING!

As I stated above my Levi has been advocating, researching and loving me as well as trying to find a job right now. He amazes me with his strength, love and knowledge he has learned. This daddy loves his baby boy so much he wants to make sure no one ever forgets to say Aidens name at least once a day regardless of meeting him or not. My husbands AMAZING and I love him with all I have and all I got. This is to you my amazing husband. You amaze me, you make me fall in love with you deeper and deeper everyday and i thank you sweet sweet Levi for helping me bring the most amazing little boy into this world, Aiden Matthew Beers <3

A few weeks back I was having a really bad night with thinking of Aiden. So to say the least the falling asleep thing wasn’t happening so easy. I finally fell off into a slumber and had a very interesting dream. This dream was about my Aiden which was a very welcomed dream.

My dream was about me walking through an area that had people everywhere. As I walked around and was spotting people I saw this young boy with dark hair and dark eyes sitting amongst a bunch of people. As I got closer I started noticing some very familiar characteristics in this little boy who I would say was about 7 years old or so. He had the familiar lips of someone I knew as well as familiar eyes. As I got even closer I realized this child looks like my husband so much. Getting closer I heard a faint “mommy?” I was astonished that I heard these words coming out of this little boys mouth and of course turned around to see if anyone else was there. When I turned around everyone was gone but this amazing looking little man who was now standing in front of me. I said “hello, are you talking to me?” He replied “yes you are my mommy don’t you remember me?” At that point I knew who this little beautiful being was. I said in astonishment with tears in my eyes “Aiden?” He said “yes mommy” At that point i dropped to my knees and started crying. He said to me “mommy don’t cry I am in the most amazing place I can’t wait until you get to come here, I am so glad you let God adopt me, it has been the best place to be.” I said to him “Adopted?” He responded with “Yes mommy God has adopted me until you can get here and spend the rest of time with me.” He then started telling me about his life and how many wonderful things he gets to see and that he knows mommy and daddy have missed him but he is healed and how he also misses his earth mommy and daddy very much as well. I asked him “Did mommy and daddy do what was right? Did we make the right decisions?” Aiden looked me in the eyes and said “Yes you did everything that was ordered by God and I love you very much for trying to keep me on earth, but mommy I did what I was suppose to and that was all because you gave me the chance to do it.” With one last I love you mommy” I woke from this dream with tears in my eyes and a lump in my belly. At that point I knew he was safe and I knew he was hole and healthy and loving his angel life. I do dearly miss him here but this dream put a true perspective in my eyes of the joy Heaven brings.

I hope you all enjoyed me sharing this as I never have fully shared this with Levi. He knew I had a dream but I could never go into that deep.

February 5th 2009 – This is definitely the first day that changed my life forever. I had taken 2 pregnancy test and got a negative. I was just sitting here one day and decided you know what we have one last pregnancy test laying around here so I am just going to waste it for giggles. I went in the bathroom and did the peeing on the little stick. I left it sit in the bathroom for about 10 minutes before even check because in my mind I was positive it was negative. When I walked into that room picked that stick up and saw a big PREGNANT on it my jaw dropped definitely not what I was expecting. Levi was on the phone at that moment and I walked around the corner and said you need to check this out. He immediately got off the phone and we just hugged and hugged. After 9 years of never using birth control we didn’t think it could happen. We were in the process of getting test done to see why it was the case. I welled up with such joy and happiness as did Levi so we automatically started calling all our loved ones. I was still in disbelief so I want to a friends house who had an extra one and once again PREGNANT. We all cried and it was such a joyful happy day.

9 weeks later- We were very anxious to find out what we were having so we schedule a 3/D-4/D ultrasound. We really thought it was a girl because of cravings, the heartbeat and many other various wives tales.  As we sat there looking at this beautiful being and seeing him for the first time it just made me have such joy. Then she asked well do you want to know what you are having and of course I said yes. So she went ahead and pointed out his “man gear” haha. We were so shocked but were so happy because Levi wanted a little boy so badly. So that was the day we got to meet Aiden and see this beautiful little guy.

Jump ahead to 5 weeks later May 27th – We were scheduled for our anatomy Ultra-Sound. We were so happy because we know he had grown a lot since the 3D. We got in there and she was going through everything. We didn’t mention we knew what he was already as we wanted a confirmation from them. She said would you like to know and we of course once again said YES! She had confirmed it he was boy. She did the measurements and moved our due date up a week. Then got down to the serious checking. Well when she got to the heart she just focused on it for 45 minutes and in my belly as a mommy I knew something was wrong. The thoughts ran in my mind “Why is she focusing on his heart so much?” “Is there something wrong with my unborn child?” She then stopped asked me to sit up and proceeds to tell me there is something wrong with you baby’s heart. She couldn’t tell us exactly so she went in search of a high risk doctor to come and comfirm it but he wasn’t available. She then took me into another room as I was crying so hard and I just was numb at that point. What did she mean he has something wrong with his heart? I need more answers I want more answers. They then told us to contact Children’s has they couldn’t exactly tell us all that was wrong. We got home and all we could do was cry. Levi took charge called Children’s Hospital of Denver. They only day they had available was a 5 day wait. Let me tell you it was the longest wait in my life. As you are waiting you are thinking to yourself oh this is real. We are going to go for this ECHO and they are going to tell us oh no his hearts fine they just couldn’t see it correctly. Boy were we wrong.

July 1st – We go in and have our first of many ECHOs performed. We were there for 3 hours with this ECHO. Aiden was a squiggleworm and that is the day he got his nickname. When they finished and they uploaded the scan we had to wait for it to be looked at by the cardiologist. She came in and this day was the biggest devastation ever. “Your son has Unbalanced AVSD and it looks like he also has pulmonary atresia and a mild leak in his valve with heterotaxy” Ummmm all Greek to  me please explain more in detail I said. As my husband is in the corner crying his eyes out not knowing what questions to ask, what it meant or what to do. She explained it all to us and we were absolutely devastated once again the sheer magnitude of his problems. She then proceeded to tell us we have an 85% chance of survival if he can get through his first surgery the BT Shunt and with the 2 additional surgery his chances of survival went up. So we at that point decided this little guy is being brought into this world and we are going to give it our biggest shot for him to have life.

For the rest of the summer I took rest and took care of myself extremely well. I ate what I could since I had morning sickness clear up until 24 weeks of pregnancy. I started to get to eat more then BOOM Gestational Diabetes came into my life. We had many more ECHOs which didn’t change really except the one day they said another valve begin to leak and they though they saw an arrhythmia. We went back in a few days and the other leak magically disappeared somehow and she said she didn’t understand how but it was sure a miracle and they didn’ t see anymore what they thought was an arrhythmia. We also had many Level 2 ultrasounds. Each one he grew bigger and with the heterotaxy they weren’t sure if he would have Asplenia (no spleen) or Polyslenia (multiple spleens) if this was the case he would be in anti-biotics for the rest of his life. The level 2′s kept telling us we see one spleen but we can’t be sure that is what it is until he is born. My little guy was doing good inside of me.

October 6th 2009 – The day we went to our stress test and they said well you have low amnio so time to get you in and try to get you to have him. I was excited, fearful, and over joyed with love. They took me up and admitted me. They got the cervidal going and I layed there for a while and nothing was happening with it so here came the dreaded pitocin. I instantly started having pains that to me were so unbearable. So yep epidural time. The next 52 hours were the hardest and most painful thing I have ever felt. I spiked a fever and I looked at the monitor at about midnight and his heart rate was between 185 to 195. I knew something was wrong but kept being told it is normal when you strike a fever for their heart rates to elevate. I asked please give me a c-section and they refused. Then came the turning of Aiden even though he was already positioned right. They never used and ultrasound machine to make sure he was the right way. Having a baby turned inside of you is excruciating pain. Finally I told them to please stop. Well the next day I had finally started to dilate more and more. They wanted to try again to turn him because I was at 9 1/2. I said no way until you check him with an ultrasound machine so they finally did. Guess what he was in the right position. At 6 pm I was finally ready to push. At first it was pushing with every contraction. After 3 pushes they knew something was wrong and didn’t even give me a break to push. They just kept hollering push push push. At 6:29 Aiden was brought into this world. At first he wasn’t breathing (later I found out his umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he wasn’t breathing when he came out) As they were working on me I kept saying I don’t hear him crying what is going on is he OK? Then I heard him. Praise Jesus he started breathing on his own. They brought him to me for 5 minutes to look at him and see the little man I have been waiting for for so long. He was the most beautiful think I have ever seen. They then took him from me and rushed him the NICU. They gave him his shot to keep his patent ductus open and once again he stop breathing but they revived him. The next time I got to see him he was sedated and all lined up. It made me cry and I know our real journey just was beginning. Aiden was born on October 8th 2009 at 6:29 PM and weight 6 lbs 9 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long.

Daddy went on the ambulance ride that night with him to go to Children’s. Levi spent the night with him while I recouped myself.

October 1oth I was finally able to go be with my beautiful little boy. I walked in there and just started crying. Oh my goodness the wires, the tubes the meds. I wasn’t expecting all of that. That day I got to hold him for a bit but in my arms he went into and SVT episode so they took him from my arms to calm it down. I waited til the next day to hold him again. Just looking at him I knew how in love I was with him. I tried to hold him as much as possible. Each day he graduated into a new step. He went from the tube to CPAP to just a nasal cannula in 3 days. He was finally able to open his beautiful eyes up and look at his mommy. It melted my heart instantly. Then finally I was able to kangaroo care him. He laid in me as I kissed his sweet head and felt his warm body against mine. Oh how great this felt. I miss that feeling so much today. There are things I am not ready to go into on here just yet but will someday soon. On Sunday the 18th a wonderful photographer named Angela Donaldson came in and did fabulous photos for Aiden and our family. I cherish these photos so much. That night though he went into another SVT episode and well Sunday was the last day I got to hold him because I wanted him to rest for his big surgery. I to this day regret not holding him those last 5 days especially on his surgery day.

Friday October 23rd -  We got up super early to go be with him before his big surgery. We caressed him kissed him and told him how much we love him. We told him to be strong. Then they came to take him and we said what we didn’t know was our final good-bye to him. Every time the nurse came out to update us it was good positive news. We were so optimistic. They started surgery at 7 AM and he was done at about 3 PM. He got off the ECMO wonderfully so you can see how our optimism was high. At 6 PM he was back in his room and it was nurse change so Levi and i decided lets try to eat something. We got in the car turned out on the road and got a phone call. “It is an emergency you need to get back here ASAP” I knew right then and there some major was going on. We walked in and the nurse was standing there. “His heart stopped we are trying everything we can” I instantly screamed and fell to the floor. I sat curled up in a ball for about 20 minutes. Levi had told them to stop. They had hit him with every drug, paddled him and were continuously doing CPR for 45 minutes. They did got a V-Fib out of him but that is just a twitch in the heart that can not sustain life. They asked if I wanted to hold his foot and pray over him. I said yes and walked into that room to the most horrific sight ever. He was white as milk. I knew he was with Jesus at that point and finally gave my permission as well for them to stop. My little guy was gone. They asked me if I wanted to hold him and cuddle him. Of course I said yes. They took all his tubes out and wrapped him up for me and placed him in my arms. I sat there and cried and told him I was sorry I couldn’t save his life. I sat there for two hours just rocking him, kissing him, and crying. Once I left the hospital a peace had came over me. He was healed and restored by our Lord. He wasn’t in anymore pain. No more tubes or meds. He was now whole and perfect again.

Honestly my brain is very blank for the first month after he had gone. So I can’t tell you much from there. Today I am holding up alright. I love him and miss him so of course. I cry hard on some days and smile of thoughts of him on other days. He is a beautiful angel now. We memorialize him as much as we can. Aiden changed my life. He brought me closer to God. He made me want to be a complete different person. He has achieved so much in 15 days it is unbelievable. I am not the best writer I know this. I hope you all have read my words and understand what I as a mother have gone through and will continue to go through. God Bless you all for your continuous prayers. Those who have helped us and those who are deeply truly here for us. I will write more in the future but I just needed to get my side out.